I really struggled with this project - for so many reasons.
First, I am not a super creative person. I’m not much of a creative writer, artist, or maker. I don’t even like to think about matching clothes in the morning - I would literally wear a black dress and black leggings to school every day. I knit and “create” lesson plans - that’s my comfort zone and that’s where I excel. I’d rather enjoy other people’s creative endeavors.
Secondly, the idea of sharing a personal story with a wide audience made me very uncomfortable. I’m a very private person when it comes to my private life. I don’t share a lot (or really much at all) on social media when it comes to my personal life. At the same time, I am much more comfortable telling a story that isn’t about me. I mean, I do teach social studies, so clearly I am okay with storytelling.
Finally, I really don’t like to write creatively about my personal life. I think a lot of that stems from fear - fear of judgement, fear of strangers know too much about me, fear of vulnerability, even fear of not having control of the story once I tell it. Most of it probably comes down to fear of being judged, but it also has a lot to do with wanting to protect my privacy and my issues with control. Especially with one way communication (i.e. storytelling podcast), once the story leaves my mouth, I can’t control what people make of it, how people interpret it, or what people do with it. It’s complicated. I was so uncomfortable throughout every stage in the creative process that I found myself avoiding working on it, repeatedly.
My other major problem was that I was stuck in the "incubation" stage for like 2 weeks. I couldn’t get going. I struggled to recall a story that would work for this project - something I was comfortable telling, while also meeting the criteria and parameters of the project. I sat staring at a blank page for a while. I did some non-judgemental brainstorming with my husband. I was so deep in my own head I couldn’t get out. The brainstorming session was extremely helpful - he guided me to the story I ended up using, thankfully.
Once I had the story, I couldn’t seem to get it out of me. I wrote like 3 different drafts. I got frustrated, had a little bit of a hissy fit, walked away for a few days, got annoyed, gave up again, wrote some more, judged myself, edited, re-edited, recorded it, hated it, erased it, and then started over again. I am a harsh critic - you know what they say, we are our own worst critics. Because I am such a harsh critic, once I do get going, I have a hard time stopping - I will keep refining and fixing and editing, endlessly. With that in mind, deadlines and due dates are very helpful to me.
Despite my frustrations, I did find success in learning to use a new tool: GarageBand. I am familiar with GarageBand, but I had never really used it to create anything before. I found it easy to navigate and use as a first timer. When I needed to conduct more complex steps - like fade ins and clipping music, YouTube was there to help. YouTube was a savior in this regard. I felt proud and accomplished when I was able to complete, what I consider, complicated editing techniques using GarageBand (in reality, this was some very basic stuff).
Overall, I am proud and pleased with my final product, despite my frustrations. I’m not crazy about my writing or the story itself - I know I could do better. I’m more pleased with the technology side of things - proud of the small touches like background music and fadeaways, of my ability to cut and time clips just right. Completing this project made me reflect on the many podcasts I’ve listened to (I am a podcast fiend!). I realized how each production uses music, sound, space, and silence to send a particular message. In creating my story, I was forced to make those decisions as well.
I realized through this creative process that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I need to let go of some control and be willing to create and share the best that I can do - not the best ever. I need to be vulnerable and not be so afraid of judgement. I mean, as I realized after the K9-11 rescue I recalled, I am stronger than I think I am.